yohowslife

Looking Back.

2008-06-12T12:03:00.001-07:00

i realised i haven been blogging in ages. as i read through my previous posts which are mostly about toronto, i realised a lot has happened since. the semester back in nus has ended, 6 months have passed, 1 month of holiday and bumming, 4 months of mugging, a few mornings spent watching the sunrise in school from rushing FSA assignments, all the moments studying in school.. i can only remember mugging my ass off in the last sem i wonder why.. anyway it has kinda made me forget a bit about my exchange and the trips that i took along the way. and tonight i just like to kinda remember and enjoy this past for just a little while since i cant sleep anyway.

i look through the US road trip pictures that i have taken and everything seems so long ago. definitely unforgettable with all the shit that happened along the way. maybe i shall go watch the videos again if i realli cant slp. i remember santa monica beach and the empty chinatown in LA. i remember drinking with the nerds and losing in poker. i remember the fucking long road to vegas and the food at danny's somehow. i remember listening to "nobody knows" along hoover dam.

i think of montreal and niagara, where we lost our fucking money and the souvenior chip that i bought for us. i think of the emo times in montreal when we were just emoing over i cant remember what.

i think of the new york trip, where bobby fucking puked all over me. i think of the time when we all fell asleep during the broadway play. i remember listening to "we belong together" and "i wanna know what love is" while walking in central park. i remember sprinting down some alley in tt park.

i think of europe. i remember the icy cold in helsinki, the long walks we had to take to the olympic stadium and it ended up being closed. i remember taking the buses everywhere, to the shopping malls. i remember losing my suitcase and getting all so flustered about it. i remember new years eve when we were just walking around turku and tt unforgetable countdown.

i think of barcelona and i remember all the gaudi stuff.. the park, and the cathedral and just eating expensive spanish food which didn taste tt nice except for the last dinner place we went to. i think of madrid. and i remember listening to the violin by the palace. i remember sitting there for almost an hour just enjoying the atmosphere and the company. and of cos you still owe me my photos.

i think of toronto. and i remember the shithole that i lived in. i remember living with loud roommates who gave me a good time as well at times. i remember not attending all my classes. i remember walking the lonely walks at night just to eat my pizza a few blocks away. i remember smoking in the cold while listening to my ipod. i remember the numbness. i remember the snow. i remember the way i spent my time in missi, in roy ivor.

its always good to be nostalgic once in a while and tonight is once such night. but now i can only think of 619 and 1705.

carpe diem

2008-03-26T21:52:00.001-07:00

Recognise that everyday wont be sunny

and when you find yourself lost in the darkness

dont be scared

remember its only in the black of the night that you see the stars

and those stars will lead you back home

so dont be afraid to make mistkes

stumble and fall

cuz most of the time

the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most

maybe you'll get everything you wished for

maybe you'll get more than you ever could have imagined

who knows where life may take you

the road is long and in the end

the journey is the destination.

i want you to get into the deep beautiful melancholy of everything that's happened.
- Claire Colburn, Elizabeth Town

broken.

2008-03-22T03:53:00.000-07:00

someone once told me.
u are a person who likes to be in control.
u like things to work out as planned.
u are a perfectionist when it comes to your life.
u hate to feel helpless.

so maybe thats the reason behind all of this.

nothing is in my hands right now.
screw all the expectations about coming back.

cant talk to my parents.
studies like fuck.
the 3 most impt people in my life right now:
one is not talking to me,
one is too far away,
one is feeling down and i cant do anything to help her.

maybe im being too hard on myself nowadays.
but nothing is going right.

/sayang/smug/angry/whack/sob/wail.

i wanted to get away.
but everything is coming back.
get me away. to neverland /pls

Stop and Stare.

2008-02-28T11:26:00.000-08:00

This town is colder now

I think it's sick of us

It's time to make our move

I'm shakin' off the rust

I've got my heart set on anywhere but here

I'm staring down myself, counting up the years

Steady hands just take the wheel

Every glance is killing me

Time to make one last appeal for the life I lead

Stop and stare

I think I'm moving, but I go nowhere

Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared

But I've become what I can't be

Stop and stare

You start to wonder why you're here not there

And you'd give anything to get what's fair

But fair ain't what you really need

Oh, can you see what I see

***many thoughts but no words***

Fate.

2008-02-26T12:54:00.000-08:00

If its yours, its yours.
just dun let urself down anymore.

Life Choices

2008-02-06T08:24:00.000-08:00

Is 8 million dollars enough?

end.

2007-12-20T14:36:00.000-08:00

these are my final moments in toronto...in my room...everything is packed and i m ready to go....well not ready mentally but i still have to leave...there's nothing left behind to stay for...... kinda sad that i m leaving this place surprisingly. all i have to say is that....yea i ve learnt much here...i experienced much here and there were special moments that will be in my memories forever..... i m glad to have made all the frens that i made here.... some things caught me pleasantly by surprise here and i will keep whatever that i got from this place. yes it was a shithole at times but some of the memories here will make me remember this place for a long long time.... thanks for everything you're given me... i had one of the most wonderful experience and more :) i never liked saying good byes and its kinda sad really....another chapter of my life is going to end...and i wonder what the future is installed for me. fate will decide.

sheryling: thanks for keeping me sane throughout my entire exchange experience and bearing with all my emoness and shit and a lil whining at times.... i'll see you soon back in singapore where the xlbs are waiting.... :)

sueann: thanks for creating this blog for me so that i can let out my feelings and everything....uve been a great fren and i hope to see you soon when i get back to singapore.

emo: see you at georges.....we have lots of catching up to do.... fucking lots of catching up to do ....

teh: its time for us to start the road trip and it'll be fucking unforgettable.

gd bye toronto. gd bye roy ivor. i'll miss you.

Let's dance in style let's dance for a while,

Heaven can wait we're only watching the skies,

Hoping for the best but expecting the worst,

Are you gonna drop the bomb or not?

Let us die on let us live forever,

Don't have the power but we never say never,

Sitting in the sandpit life is a short trip,

Music's for the sad man

Can you imagine when this race is run,

Turning up our faces into the sun,

Praising our leaders getting in tune,

Music's played by the mad man

Forever young, I want to be forever young,

Do you really want to live forever?

Forever forever,Forever young,

I want to be forever young,

Do you really want to live forever?

Forever, forever...

sad smiles

2007-12-13T13:56:00.000-08:00

and it all begins again... the cycle repeats itself.....over and over again... it always happens .... nothing can stop it from happening.... turn the fucking clock .....turn it faster....before its too late....before .... before...

dun regret.

Cos You Know.

2007-11-30T20:59:00.000-08:00

Its time to get back. back to where i belong.The streets are getting empty. The songs are getting draggy. In the winter cold, you can only feel the numbness of it all. With the cigarette running out. You think of taking out another one. against the cold. But for what? wats the meaning of it all? nothing has meaning. the meaning which had been there now has been lost. nothing has changed yet everything has changed. wats left is the numbness of the emptyness that is left behind. and its time to get back. back to where i belong. they are waiting.

for me.

point of no return.

2007-11-14T05:19:00.000-08:00

im going crazy.
someone save me.
2months to go...
why is the fucking time passing so slowly.
why cant i sleep...

i cant do this by myself.
i cant take it anymore.

life is so fucking unpredicatable sometimes...
tts what makes it so interesting..
tts what gives it meaning...
tts what makes it so fucked up..

pull urself together...u know u're better than this...
look at the fucking mirror and wake urself up....

hello ian. i am martian.

2007-11-13T06:26:00.000-08:00

it's nice to sit in front of my laptop, talking to you from many thousands of miles away.
it's nice to see how lightyears apart hasnt dulled our friendship. (though i AM a bit outdated. i am also not complaining. better late than never they always say.)
it's nice to know that you're doing fine, and how our conversation's not plagued with weather reports. (it's all rainy in singapore now by the way.)
it's nice to talk to you as i've always had. (tough, steely, extremely high tech friendships are so the new wave of the future.)

nice to still have my best friend.

-intrusive blogger biq.

Profile.

2007-11-13T05:22:00.000-08:00

my name is I a n.

i m 23 years old.

i have a daddy, a mummy, a sister and 2 turtles.

i live in singapore.

i study in NUS Business.

i have great frens.

i m an emo boy...

i drive a black lancer.

i m hungry.. cos i haven had anything to eat...

and for good or for bad... i cant stop thinking about you...

lol..how emo can i get?? fuck.

random.

2007-11-07T01:02:00.001-08:00

in the computer lab stoning while waiting for a potential mj session....dam gian about mahjong...haven played in ages...cai u better buck up ur skills so that we can go back and kick ur assss.....

the person that ive been waiting for...... haha.... honestly...i dunno whats going to happen and nothing might even happen...but there's nothing that can be done....totally nothing.... or its more like i dunno what to do for once.....its kinda funny thinking about it.... that i m always letting things take their course...but sometimes i realli wanna take things into my own hands....but sometimes i know that i cant..... and...sometimes i dun understand why i cant get you out of my head.... u re so fucking near.....yet u're so fucking far away..... hahah its dam funny....i cant help laughing at myself..... lol

u always put a smile to my face....=)

back to the crossroads once again...always back to the fucking crossroads.....

1104D

2007-11-06T01:31:00.000-08:00

life hasn been gd lately....no this isn a post for anyone to sympathize with me..... i just felt like blogging this one..... this week has been quite a torture so far....thanks to you miah...but i'll keep my word.... the nights are fucking long .... if its not meant to be...its not meant to be..... the past 2 days ive been in my room..just living in my room..cut off from the entire world...except for a smoke when i take a walk along the empty streets at night...eating my pizza and my chicken wings while reading a sweet note from ducky.... i must say...i have realli gd frens out there for me...i m a lucky little one.... life's gonna be gd in singapore....chicks wise as well.....pun intended... i m sure everything will work out.....rough patches cant kill me....

anyway since this is a post to myself...i feel like thinking back into the past...and look back at how fucked up i was.... mmmmmmmmm..

020801 - 020102
the start of ian realising that he has the power to love....and be fucked.

this was the one that hurt the most..... SP shld know...since she is the one who is dam paranoid about it ....but yea u are totally right about this.... all started with frenly online icqing and shit...and dunno what happened...fate? love? whatever bull shit that happened that made me fall so totally into you...when i look at you...i cant take my eyes away...wldn call it the mistake of my life...tt comes later... but in fact...i din learn anything from this....it just ..how would u say it....totally fucked up my JC life....not tt it was any gd anyway...but it just made it worse..... it was so bad that max and i wanted to join recre bad with SCAT...tts how fucking bad it was....dsma...

dunno wats next....melon or jeth..... but both are just as fucked up....sorrah yc... i shall skip melon...

030203 - cant remember...barely a month
mistake of my life.... if u haven noticed...my life revolves around girls...and it always will..if u're similar....join the emo club... just the one or 2 gays out there that happened to like me...but tts just random...fuck off...

u were my best fren....why the fuck do u have to like me? now i have to be stuck with the guilt that i lost my best fren and broke ur fucking heart....it wasn supposed to be like that.... it was my mistake to even consider u in the first place..... i destroyed everything..but u are not totally innocent either... i remembered myself last time....i was so fucked up and i was a total wreck over skai...wat was there to like? anyway...u were out of my life since the day i broke up with u.... it just made me realise tt day that i dun need u anymore....all thanks to you.....

020304 - 311005
this one.....i realli dunno what to say man..... guess i was fighting fire the whole time.....another random get together...everything is so fucking random.... anyway this one got realli serious.... in fact i was realli happie for a while before things got ugly.... i thought i could seal the deal with this one...but no..it wasn to be.... too many problems...u were just too stubborn and so was i.....army din help...neither did all ur guys in uni who think they are all dam cool....and of cos maple story.....i mean who gets jealous over online chatting ....fuck... i wondered how we lasted so long....i wldn say it was a mistake tho......the memories that we had...it'll always be with me....thanks for all the shit u gave me...but thanks for all the great things that we experienced as well....

290506 - 140707
mm... i realli liked you..in fact i loved you... i realli wanted things to work out....u were so so nice to me..... u were willing to do anything for me...to make it work..... its me..... i dunno why...i couldn accept you....i dunno why i cant...its almost as if i dun wanna be happie....the moment we broke up....it made me realised that i need a girl in my life...to love and take care of me...and be there for me....but i dunno if it was you.......i cant say its not...but i cant say it is..... sighhh... but like we said....i have no regrets and neither shld u...because u made me the happiest guy in the world when we were together...and like i said...u were the special one....... somehow u just stood out among all the others..and u still do....i dunno why...i still dunno why....and i will never know why but tts the way its always going to be.....

on a side note...i wonder why u have been avoiding me online...i dun believe that u are busy....i believe something is up....and u just dun wanna tell me or let me know anything....wats up?
---------------

now...here i m ...alone in my fucking room....thinking about you.... u may wonder who u are..you may think its you...u might be right...or u might not....theres something about you..tt makes me happie thinking about u..and sad thinking that u're not here.... i dunno if i need you or just need something..but i think i m more inclined to the first idea....make me happy... but everything as usual...is up to fate...

i shall continue waiting...
gimme something...
some hope...

untitled.

2007-11-04T13:24:00.000-08:00

its been slightly less than a month since the last post....what have i done? nothing much.... time just seems to pass by..... NY din disappoint.....no more trips for me until end of sem.... then it'll be LA and Vegas for me.... someone hasn been coming online recently... so i guess finland has to hold..... i dunno how long its going to be held until....well...its not up to me....

met another group of singaporean frens here.....realli nice ppl....glad to have met them.....u can see their faces on FB... honestly... i dun even know whether i wanna stay or go anymore...there's something here to stay for ....and there's something there to go back to..... right now...i m just stuck in a space where only i exist....where nobody can find me....

holdem time.

2007-11-04T02:34:00.000-08:00

i have news mate.

singapore's just different with you guys gone.

that day i bumped into cai and he almost didnt recognise me. actually he didnt. i had to wave and give my name before i saw a sign of recognition. or maybe it was because i'm about as sensitive as a spoon.

sanity is lost.
school is silent.
school is boring.
life is non existent. (evidemente!)

i hope exchange is treating you better than nus is treating us.

so how's NY? how's the girls? (girls should look good. coz western standards generally define our perception of beauty anyway.) how's clubbing? got pissed yet? how's everything?

dont emo too much eh? but because we're all emo creatures, i'm gonna sign off with an emo photo anyway.

cheers mate,
biq

.

2007-10-12T17:56:00.001-07:00

FUCK you.

teamemo

2007-10-09T22:17:00.000-07:00

Niagara cum Montreal: been looking forward to this trip for a few weeks now...and it just came and gone...

i had gone there with loads of expectations and some were fulfilled whereas others werent. All in all it was a ok trip but it could have been better. Montreal city was gd but it wasn as good as expected...but who gives a fuck about architecture and buildings anyway?

good company is plentiful but great company is realli hard to come by....

Jeremiah: we had a fucking gd time in montreal together man and it'll always be unforgettable (esp the last night). the whole trip will have been fucked up if u hadn been around...fuck we even had a dream together...how gay is tt? hahahaha. The casinos have got the better of us this time..but it was fucking fun (esp the one at niagara...CB) and we'll be back for our vengeance next time... looking forward to going to NY where 3 of the BIG 4 will finally meet..and the 3 of us will have shitloads of fun there.. xiaoni..if u read this...just fucking come over already..hahaha...

preparing for our first night in montreal...
casualties: 1 X broken umbrella and 2 X emo fucks

Some pics of the trip.... the rest will be on facebook...so just check it out urselves.

We'll be back Montreal...

next stop: New york

VIDEO taken by miah (Before and after Casino)

anyway, things aren as rosy as all it seems in toronto. Lessons are a pain in the ass and sometimes theres just so much u can do here with the limited company...but i kinda learnt something here. i learn to appreciate the frens that i ve made so much more and that gd frens are realli hard to come by. To those that have been encouraging me and trying to cheer this emo kid up, thanks and half of me cant wait to go back man. Fiona Huang: Get the party started! Wise: I'll be back soon enough!

the other half of me still wants to hang in there and experience the full extent of the exchange programme and learn and expose myself as much as possible. Anyway, whatever that doesn kill you will make you stronger...so yea...lets just see how it goes...

Someone very special once said this to me before: "Things will always have a way of working out." =) yes it will...

Here's a shoutout to the people i miss in Singapore and in Europe: u know who u are...and i miss you loads and i cant wait to see u ppl soon...

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29 September

2007-09-28T23:21:00.000-07:00

"CREEP - Radio Head"

Its been a while since the last post....haven been feeling the mood to blog at all...yea if u know me...u know that the emo cloud is hanging over me again..... yea the birthday just came and went....and i m 23 already....wtf..time realli flies before you even know it... will put up some b day pics soon...

Sueann: Thanks for putting up the slide show......i dunno how u got the pics but yea...u made me remember the times 1 year ago...when i was fucking high and puking and acting dam unglam on my own b day... anyway u cheer up soon k? like realli realli soon. =)

Senior: Thanks for putting up with all the little one's emoness and shit over the past week haha..u're a true fren man...still waiting for my snowskin mooncakes and my XLBS! but yea be happie with what u have..i'll remember that...respect!

hieno apulainen kotona Suomi: Thanks for the postcard and the surprise cake and drawing...it realli made my day.... yea i tried to keep the promise by not being emo and i tried my best at it...so dun scold me!

I just realised that ive always been thinking so much in my mind but its so hard to put it in fucking words...

2007-09-28T02:47:00.001-07:00

Happy Birthday Ian :)

hope you like it!

-pinkdramaqueen-

Revelations

2007-09-25T18:30:00.000-07:00

Love of mine some day you will die

But I'll be close behind

I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white

Just our hands clasped so tight

Waiting for the hint of a spark

If Heaven and Hell decide

That they both are satisfied

Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you

When your soul embarks

Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule

I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black

And I held my tongue as she told me

"Son fear is the heart of love"

So I never went back

If Heaven and Hell decide

That they both are satisfied

Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you

When your soul embarks

Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see

From Bangkok to Calgary

And the soles of your shoes are all worn down

The time for sleep is now

It's nothing to cry about

Cause we'll hold each other soon

The blackest of rooms

If Heaven and Hell decide

That they both are satisfied

Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you

When your soul embarks

Then I'll follow you into the dark

"if only you knew..."

Niagara

2007-09-17T21:43:00.001-07:00

sorry ppl who read this space...been lazy to blog over the weekends....settling in and kinda getting lazyy already man... but not to let sue ann down since she started this blog for me i shall post some pics about niagara....=p

its was raining rather heavily.....tts why the hair was so shitty...hahaa

yea after that we went to this vineyard place ( still in niagara ) and had sort of like a short tour and stuff....and of cos some wine tasting in the end...the white wine tasted quite gd ..tts why there's one bottle in my fridge now.....its still full tho....=p

Some other random shots

found a hershey's shop at niagara....they sell huge chocolates man...too bad i din take any photos...

random shot taken at an arcade with a mirror.....totally random.........

yea...tt was niagara for you....a whole day event..... ended with dinner....guess what we had....spaghetti again =p=p=p..hahaha but it was gd la....2nd try was better =) tho the picture doesn show tt...

Some Pics.

2007-09-13T23:18:00.001-07:00

Basement Bedroom at Uncle George's House (Place i stayed before moving into residence..place with fucking big tv)

Residence Kitchen (Conquered Spaghetti and Brownie so far...jelly next =p)

Living Room (left: chef , right: dish washer)

Room table

Table + bed

Woodsworth Residence (Classrooms in the basement : dunno how to rotate the pic..sueann teach me soon ... =p)

Smoking Corner

One of the many burger trucks within campus...

First Lunch....(Smaller one was mine...Bigger one was kelly's)

Hello Blog.

2007-09-12T18:34:00.000-07:00

my internet is finally up.......thanks to those who kept me alive (emails =) and msns and facebook ) during my daily one hour dosage of internet at the freaking library and the expensive internet cafe down the road.

thanks sue ann for saying all the nice things about me..... haha.. tho of cos i m not as nice as perceived by the teen drama queen. =p yea anyway lets go straight to updates about toronto.

first. airport pics...the ppl who were there to send me off.. (i dont see u buddy! where the fuck are u? =p)

Coolies

Biquan

Cai and ian (tan and baey)

and of cos the family who sponsored this very trip =p

buddy at supper but not airport =p

Narita Airport Lounge

okie...a little bit of what i have done after i touched down.. went to stay at my uncles place which was realli nice for a few days while i bought my grocerys.....they had this tv which was dam huge and i literally could just stay there and watch tv the whole dam day.

after that i moved into my residence....will post up pictures once i get used to this blogger shit.

settling in fine. my classrooms are just below in the basement in the same building as my residence...how cool is tt... i got 3 housemates in the apartment... 2 from india , 1 from pakistan...frenly ppl....play squash and pool and shit... tested their pool but not their squash yet..hopefully i wun get trashed ! then it'll be nancy's fault =p

mm wat have i done? i ve been walking everyday with kelly around the entire town. the university is just like an hour's walk from everything.... chinatown (to buy calling cards and eat cheap food), eaton centre (the main shopping centre in town but hardly bought any shit...), kensington market (some place which sells all kinds of 2nd hand stuff and random stuff).. will post some pics when i actually take them =p other than that, we ve been to niagara..which was sweet except for the heavy rain...and eating

lessons are boring.. 8am class on wed and 10am class on thurs. fucking spoiling my travelling plans.....would have rather just pon the whole shit and go Montreal, Quebec, Vancouver, LA, San Fran, HAWAII, NY! and maybe europe :P jeremiah i cant wait to find u man....CB...haha u better make it gd when i come! and plan the bar shit soon!

will update more on what i ve done and what i will be doing soon.. looking forward to the baseball match (Toronto Blue Jays Versus New York Yankees) tml. go blue jays...tho i know they will get their asses kicked by the yankees.. (just like how i kick cai's ass in pool) hahaha....kidding..=p

bye blog. (for now)
back to webcaming =)

the virgin post

2007-09-05T18:58:00.001-07:00

cai, sue, ian

introducing ian the dude:
He is someone who is always there for you.
He can be emo at times. *dont sit in his car when this happens
Although he has a tough exterior, he's actually quite soft in the inside.
He likes wearing black. Though sometimes he would dress in bright colours especially orange.
He is really good with his stick and his balls. He will beat anyone at pool. *what were you thinking?
He wears his cap whenever he has a bad hair day.
He is really smooth. no wonder he's the BABES magnet :)
He scores well in his exam even though he is so slack in class. (life is so unfair!)
He is charming, charismatic and can be really sweet at times~
He thinks a lot and is very matured.
He knows what he wants in life and will do his best to get it.
Friends like him is very hard to come by. I will always cherish him!

Cheers to many more years of friendship,
the Guest Writer - pinkdramaqueen